The shining city on the horizon is not actually there.
It is much lower, and cannot be seen from here with the naked eye.
What’s visible is a mirage; a refraction; trickery of light.
Theoretically, it exists, though where you think it is, there is nothing tangible.
In the beginning, I had nothing, but it was all mine.
No room to call my own, but I owned every room in momma’s universe.
The space we called home coalesced from a hazy shade of blue, brightening at the boundaries, basement half-windows facing south, allowing indirect light.
In the mornings and afternoons, the TV was mine to visit Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, Mickey’s Club, until evening, when dad returned from some place called work.
We played until it was time to be silent; I asked questions until the answers dried-up; I cowered from the silent shadows until the birds sang-in the blue again.
Sometimes momma kissed dad goodbye; sometimes the silence between them needed the icy space of January air to thaw again; but either way,
the space was mine again to build, to ponder, to question.
In the beginning I had nothing, but it gleamed along the margins, and it was everything to me. ***
Today’s (optional) prompt is brought to us by the Emily Dickinson Museum. First, read this brief reminiscence of Emily Dickinson, written by her niece. And now, here is the prompt that the museum suggests:
Martha Dickinson Bianchi’s description of her aunt’s cozy room, scented with hyacinths and a crackling stove, warmly recalls the setting decades later. Describe a bedroom from your past in a series of descriptive paragraphs or a poem. It could be your childhood room, your grandmother’s room, a college dormitory or another significant space from your life.
I went back to my earliest memory, when I was 3-4yrs old, and possessed neither a room of my own, nor the very concept of a room of my own. I did have tons of questions though, just as I do now.
“Your move, Mr. Bedroom Eyes,”
the words oozed from her coiled rubies,
mingling with her strawberry scent,
joining the rest of my taunted senses.
“She’s made so right
for all the wrong things,”
I think to myself
in her moon-drenched room,
willfully ignoring my own complicities.
Even when she turns away,
concealing her lewd loveliness
in muted midnight shadows,
her elongated shaded nudity
jiggled in ways that seemed
to beckon to a deeper need
transcending the lust and greed
gripping us within this bizarre gravity.
“And don’t you dare pretend that this,”
she added, gesturing generally at the
space between us, “is all one-sided.”
She read me effortlessly, relentlessly
just as she always had, dynamically
consoling, enticing, demanding,
“It’s just us now; be honest.
Don’t act like you don’t want this.
No lies between us tonight.”
She wasn’t made for me,
but her eyes perpetrate the lie;
giving none of the game away,
expecting to be taken,
inviting me to consume
all that I crave to taste,
daring me to meet
where her heat beckons;
the divine junction of where abstraction
melts into sensation, defining touch.
Using only the sight of her
copper-kissed marbled frame,
the ripened flowered goddess’ scent,
and the hot-buttercreamed
sound of her verbal dare,
she deftly sculpted my need
to close the distance,
to thrust my ugly intent
deep inside her beautiful taunt,
to drown her velvet purrs within
undercurrents of my straining grunts,
our bodies rising, falling in unison,
fueled by primal need to occupy
the same finite space simultaneously.
This is what I want
and what she invites.
Of this, I cannot lie.
But it’s also true then, that if we
shackle ourselves to our desires,
indulging ourselves, yielding to them,
we will forever be enslaved by them.
I take a step backwards, fussing with
half the buttons on my shirt that I
don’t recall how they came undone.
Turning towards me, her smile widened
leaning into my gaze, the moonlight falling
upon her contoured sex slowly opening
in my direction, cooing her incantations;
“Even now, you would deny your ache
to possess me, knowing by your pulse
that you were already mine long before,
when we first exchanged glances,
even in that crowded space of fortunes
untold, we saw what we saw in each
other’s eyes, the clarity of potential,
the unspoken intent, and even then,
I knew you were mine,
and that you wished it so,
and while you looked away,
you couldn’t help but to return
to my gaze to see if I was
still looking, and of course I was,
with each time our eyes met,
from you, I stole yet another breath
till now as you stand apart from me,
allowing yourself to breathe
only when I will it;
draw breath now and
tell me, am I wrong?”
I look away, failing spectacularly
in my task to rebutton my shirt.
“Look at me,” she commands.
I comply, my chest becoming tight.
“Breathe,” she says gently, and
I felt my chest relax as I obeyed.
“Now, don’t lie to me,” she demands,
“and don’t lie to yourself, either.
Right here, right now, speak truth.
Tell me what you want.”
“You,” I confess, my chest
once again restricting airflow.
“Who rules your air, your earth,
your body, your soul?” she asks,
knowing the answer.
“You rule me,” I answer,
my unbuttoned shirt now
on the floor behind me,
discarded with my integrity.
“Why are you still dressed then?”
she asked, and then suddenly I wasn’t.
“Still your move, Mr. Bedroom Eyes,”
she taunted again. “I can’t do
everything for you, you know?”
I moved towards her,
overwhelmed by the ache
to feel my skin pressed into hers.
Just as our lips pressed
colors into touch,
just as I tasted her scarlet
smeared onto me,
I smirked at my
illusion of helplessness,
yielding to the power exchange
we demanded the moment
our paths crossed.
***
“You look good all dressed up”
a voice said, and I turned
to see her two grey eyes fixed
upon me, devouring my contrasts
and contours, reading my reactions
as if she knew I’d always wanted
for her to say something, anything
to me, knowing I wouldn’t know
how to reply as I stammered out
a cheesy, but sincere “well, uhm,
you look good anywhere” retort
that made her snort, her crooked
smile twinkling down upon me
from the declining escalator we
both shared that seemed to descend
endlessly into the gutter of dirty
things I wanted to do with her that
made me blush as if she could
read my intimate thoughts on what
had to be the protruding horns of
my corny forehead that she reached
out to touch gently, having heard my
thought that said “please, for the love
of everything holy, reach out to
touch me gently, or even not so gently,
I don’t even care, thank God you’re
here-” my thirst interrupted and
quenched by a tender kiss and a soft
reminder that it’s time for me to end
the escalator ride towards the center
of us and awaken to the real world,
and much like my dream, this poem
will end abruptly with a vague sense of
dissatisfaction.
***
Fred wanted to be a New York Yankee
But a greater calling led him to lead
Honor student; voice for impoverished need
A credible threat to bureaucracy
Uniter of races spanning rainbows
He was drugged and slaughtered by his own state
Two rounds to his skull, not the final blows
His work became bloodied, sharing his fate
We wait for justice as brown bodies pile
Tamir Rice, Philando Castile, and more
Respond as technology streams the gore
But know these slayings were here all the while
Slaughter of leaders, of boys, of teachers
In-justice? These are not bugs; they’re features.
***
Shared to NaPoWriMo’s day 4 prompt: write a sad poem that achieves sadness through simplicity.
Also shared to dVerse OLN. Other poets contributed here.
The quote “He’s good and dead now” was allegedly* said by the policeman who administered the two fatal shots to Fred Hampton’s head, execution-style.
I prefer escapism, love, loss, and the human condition over the sad realities of the world we all share, but for some reason I was moved to write about this tragedy… this massacre allegedly* sanctioned and administered by the state in 1969. It was my hope to bring perspective to all the recent alleged* murders of black men and minorities by the state captured on video, and all the hand-wringing and outrage at the judicial system’s collective shrugs.
Everyone who are wondering how we could possibly let this happen in the twenty-first century needs to know that it has always been happening for the past 400-plus years. You only get to witness the massacres second-hand through the miracle of modern technology.
(*I added allegedly for legal reasons… but come on now. Y’all know what’s up.)
The deckplates pitch,
dive, and roll
beneath my feet,
denying any firm sense
of place.
Darkness pours into sight,
lenses straining for substance,
pupils expanding to
engulf any semblance
of light in moonless night.
The ship’s hulking,
shadowy silhouette
lurches into view,
slowly shrugging as
I ride her spine,
the sound of her
slicing the ocean
is a choir of
Poseidon’s vanguard,
shushing our advance
through His domain.
The peacefully disquieting scene
is almost bearable until
turning my gaze upward,
facing the weight of the cosmos itself,
the twinkling slivers of each planet,
star, cluster, nebula, galaxy, light
from both minutes and millions of years ago,
all bearing down upon my brittle soul at once,
crushing me with the weight of
my own insignificance…
“Do you remember that sensation?”
she asks, pausing to clean
her multicolored,
dappled feline fur
passively observing
my tormented meditation.
“Stop it!” I gasp,
squeezing my eyes shut
even tighter.
“You became disoriented,
and had to look away
to regain your bearings,”
she continued,
chuckling to herself.
“Remember how the
near-endless
points of light
became the spots
of my fur?” she pressed on
unhurriedly,
but resolute.
“Just reminiscing about it
makes my head spin,” I whimper.
“Please, Nihirizumu. Enough.”
“But you asked me
about the pulse of your poetry,”
said Nihirizumu
in a mocking tone.
“You wanted to know
where that throbbing vibe came from,
so long ago
or did you not?”
“I remember now,” I concede.
“It’s too much for me. Please stop.”
“Very well then,”
said my poetic pride
with a weary sigh
and dismissive tail-flip.
“But you need not shrink away
in fear of the cosmos.
“You think yourself insignificant
in comparison to its light,
but you are both from it
and of it.
“I hope that one day
you will gaze upon the vastness
secure in knowing
that you gaze upon yourself.”
I opened my eyes,
took a deep cleansing breath, and
began writing this.
***
While there is virtually no link to my poetry and what I do for a living now (frankly, each entity exists despite the other), there was a link to when I was once a sailor staring into the night sky free from light pollution for the very first time. I don’t recall ever feeling as small as I did that day, but that was only part of it…
With the deck moving beneath my feet and no point of reference, it felt like being everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. It was as thrilling as it was terrifying.
Surely you felt the same
rolling over and seeing
my displeasure at a
brand new day, didn’t you?
Do you have any idea
how many poems
I’ve written about you
only to have to file them away,
snuffing-out their wicked truths
like so many birthed stars
that ate through their fair
share of hydrogen
long before Ra set
the table for you and me
to ignore our own nature?
Can you fathom how every kiss shared
will be compared to the caramel of your lips
nibbling mine in our candlelit shame
of being exactly who we are
exactly where we wanted to be,
exactly beneath the weight of
who we wanted pressed into our flesh
exactly the way we needed?
Do you also wish to shake
the morning gate of heaven
to its foundation for fating us
a taste of what could be,
only to allow our respective free will
to choose to loosen our firm midnight grip
on respective flesh before the black sky
blushed soft purple with promise of new day
separating me from you
as earth from firmament,
forming boundaries everywhere
instead of simply being
happily entangled in
undefined twilight?
On some level, I know
you were just as selfish,
just as grateful for those broad,
quiet charcoal strokes
shared in faint starlight,
silently sucking our
pigment from sundown,
but no matter our
moon-soaked efforts,
morning always comes,
doesn’t it?
***
A familiar summer scent
smiling, embracing our path
you’d sprung onto winter’s end
before knowing our spring need
unexpected kiss warmed us
your lips activated mine
your tongue filled me at love’s loss
What manner of spell is this
where I can relive seasons
of past-lives unlocked by smell
as weaponized nostalgia?
Will you cling to innocence
as you move to turn the lock
sealing us within our vice?
Lock me in; I will not flee
pour yourself upon my chest
envelope me in warm breath
crash and strain, power exchange
slake your thirst and wring me taut
plum our depths and bottle them
encrust us in lush reprise.
***