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These Murky Eddies (A Five-Part Origin Story)
I.
I love,
I do,
perhaps not like you,
not in that
traditional
happily-forever-after way,
but perhaps
in other imprecise,
functionally dysfunctional
broken ways.
But perhaps
in many ways,
my broken ways work
in my knowing what it isn’t.
I can survey its limitations,
where the barrier of its outstretched
feathered wings fail to reach.
My love cannot care for your birthday,
but it cares deeply that you care.
My love won’t reach out
and embrace you, drenched,
saturated with sentiment,
but it will lash-out
to protect you
from all manner of harm.
My love is imperfect,
incomplete, and has been
ever since the day I fell
as a small child.
I was six when I fell,
losing balance some two score ago,
as some collateral damage
of a disintegrated heart.
II.
I was born
in medias res
of a toxic heart,
as many are,
upon opposing maelstroms,
learning to flow with the current,
anticipating its quirky grooves
and perilous nuances,
gliding along the lazy trickles,
bracing for the furious crashes,
holding my own within
fortune’s fickle ride until…
the only heart I knew split in two,
each side seeking dominion over the other,
but settling for oblivion,
the void
created by two beloved factions
consumed me
and I fell,
and fell, and fell,
and kept falling,
the only sound, the
mournful wailing of my own voice,
it too growing more distant,
falling away from me
along with the other senses of
belonging to something greater,
losing everything and
finding myself lost
at the bottom of an abyss.
III.
I was six years old
when momma went
rattling the kitchen silverware
for an adequate blade
to plunge into dad’s back,
ending years of emotional and
physical abuse by his hand.
I was six years old
when that knife pierced him
inches from his heart,
inches from his own demise.
Dad’s cousin was hysterical,
explaining to the medics
what my awful “bitch of a mom” did
to free herself from dad’s drug-fueled rager.
Though mortally wounded,
dad survived and recovered
enough to redeem some of his repugnant actions,
while bafflingly doubling down on others.
As for me; I was six then.
I am forty-six now, but
I know now that parts of me
never left the bottom of that abyss.
IV.
I love, I do,
but always in a broken,
displaced sense where
I never have to remove my velvet gloves.
My hands
hold nothing of weighted value
unless my beloved breathes value into
that space.
Images
reflected into my eyes
rarely move me
unless the images
are of others being moved
towards joy or sorrow.
I hear voices of my family calling,
but I only reply out of obligation.
I’ve smelled and tasted
gourmet Sunday dinners made in my honor,
and when an aunt asks me
if I’m glad I came home to them,
I smile and say yes, knowing that
they know I’m lying to keep the peace.
V.
I love, I do, but perhaps not like you,
or the guys on television who
get down on one knee,
proclaiming their love for all to see.
That kind of love dazzles in the sunlight,
and it would be nice if I could love like that.
But my love is born from toxins,
constructed from shards of self-hate,
twisted, entangled by the vast void
in such an oddly dysfunctional way
that when darkness comes for you,
as it inevitably comes for us all
regardless of where you are,
as I still tread these murky eddies
you will never be alone.
***
Originally shared on Medium.
